Sexless Marriage

My wife won't give me enough sex and I want a threesome.

Q: My wife won't give me enough sex. I masturbate and watch too much porn. She's not sexually active like before we got married. I have a big fantasy to see her f**ked, I don't know where this feeling comes from. I'm constantly suggesting we have a threesome with a friend of mine and I've been sending him naked pics of my wife. He is very motivated to join but my wife doesn't feel comfortable and now I also feel jealous that my friend has nude pics of my wife. I don't know what to do. Advice? —Z.

A: Well Z, my response to your situation is this:
Because you watch so much porn, you are picturing your wife in those porn scenarios. In the moment it seems hot to you and when you send the pictures to your friend it's part of your fantasy. Then when you are not in porn-brain you wish you hadn't sent the pictures, because she is your wife and her body and sex feel private and it feels wrong to share without her consent.
Sex with your wife is private and sharing her pics without her consent is wrong!!
The same would be true of actually physically sharing her. You might think it is hot in the moment and then would probably regret it afterwards.

Also, the reason she is not wanting more sex with you is becauseyou are most likely 'porno-f**king' her. You are checked out having a fantasy while you poke your BOB in her. You are in fantasy-land, not present, connected, intimate or engaging in her sexual pleasure. She is not turned-on or satisfied.
Sharing naked pictures of her is not respecting her boundaries or your relationship. You do not respect her or make her feel desired, special, safe or connected and this is why she does not want to have sex with you.

That said, I have heard this before, it all makes sense to me and you are not alone. There are things you can do to build the intimate connection and explore sexual erotic pleasure together.I would be happy to share a free consultation with you both. I suggest you both watch my TED she'll understand that I understand.

A Sweet Way To Initiate ~ The Candy Dish For Anticipation

Q: I’m the one always initiating sex. In all the years that we have been together she never reaches for me. When we do have sex she never tells me what she wants. We argue more and I find myself less attracted to her. I don’t feel desirable and I worry about our future. Can you help us?

A: It makes sense that you would feel less attracted. You want to feel desired, wanted and delicious. There can be a lot of reasons she is uncomfortable communicating about sex, for a lot of people the word ‘sex’ is triggering. It’s also possible that she doesn't know how or what she wants. Whatever the reason, initiating with the Candy Dish gives her a new, playful, simple wordless way to bypass negative self talk and empower her in a way that is not overwhelming her. Be sure to have a designated 'date night' and on that day let her define which jellybeans mean which treat. You can always eat it and start all over again. Green jellybeans might mean a foot massage followed by a long, slow, sticky, lollipop. Got Candy!?  

Watch my full TEDx for more.